Into the darkness, but I can see the light

Hi,

I've had a pretty shocking time of it recently but hopefully I'm coming through - for now.

Basically another slip up had me doubting that I could do this. The equations; drink = die, stop = live were mentioned in a much earlier post. It seemed to be clear. The fuck up's had me struggling me to understand how I couldn't do this. Surely I had enough self worth to make this choice? No, I didn't. If you don't value yourself enough to make this choice, then maybe you're right! How can anyone else value you? Assign you worth? Why? You don't. The depression started gripping me and I started to to think I should just give up. Why even try to put off the inevitable? It's pretty lonely when the only company you have is self loathing, self pity and Allie.

I pretty much stopped eating Thursday, and only grazed Friday. A banana and an apple is not enough to sustain a 6 foot 2 man. As my calorie count dropped, so did my will to carry on. I ate nothing over the weekend and just lay in the darkness, crying as my inner demons picked up the pace even more. I had a full panic attack on Sunday, with thrown in hallucinations, which was not nice. It sounds odd but I could hear my baby sister talking to me and saying what had being happening, and describing my bodily convulsions. This is odd because she lives abroad. Very weird. I couldn't eat again and passed another night twitching.

When Monday came I tried to get up for work. My body was failing me and my mind was shot. My stomach was now a hostile environment and the acid was making me vomit. After throwing up my breakfast I blacked out at the bus stop. I made it home and had to call the GP. They know me pretty well by now, and even though it was a different GP who called he was aware of my problem, and I think the notes helped. Basically - get your body well and your mind will follow. Anti-depressants would probably not be a good course of action for someone like me. Something for the stomach - to let you eat. Just eat. I managed a bit in the afternoon. But I was still to messed up on Tuesday.

Then my sister came over and my parents came back. They made me eat. They made me drink. They also made me have a shower, which was probably required. Dead skin was rubbing off - pretty grim. They talked to me for hours and wouldn't let me sit with just thoughts of Allie for company. "You can do this son". "It'll be ok". Actually mum's first words were "Why are you doing this to yourself? You're a bloody fool, R******! Why did you drink? I don't want to bury you. Stop sitting there feeling sorry for yourself and get up!!", but I think she was probably thinking my version. She said it later, anyway.

Yesterday morning I weighed in at 128lb, that's 58kg.

This morning I felt better and my stomach is settled, as I had at least 1000 calories yesterday. I've managed to return to work. And eat. I've managed my 2000 calories. Tomorrow we'll try for 2500.  I was very fragile this morning; physically weak and the sadness was still there. And the fear. Never forget the fear. As the day has progressed I've got stronger, happier until now I think I can do this.

It's still a bit dark, but I can see the light. I just have to be so careful.

Thanks mum, dad, and both sisters, and all the rest of you. Hopefully I won't let me down, and I'll be around to piss you all off for a while longer.