Hey, how's it going? I've been better. In fact I'm writing this mainly because option "B", involves extending my right arm 19.5 inches to the spirit cabinet. Yes, I measured it. Sorry if this blog comes across as a bit all over the place, and a bit of a mess but that's how I'm feeling, so at least it's an honest reflection. Let's start at the beginning.......
Friday - Work was good. Went to the dog racing in the evening. Odd comment from a guy I work with when someone asked "are you drinking tonight M*****?". "No he fucking isn't!". He seems to think I'm ill when I drink, whereas I'm actually ill when I quit and curl up for 3 days and wish I was dead. Not a good start. Passed pretty uneventfully; My gambling worked out better than abysmal and I ended the night about a tenner up. Not going to buy a new car with that but it's better than being down. Winner. Went home and all I was thinking about was Saturday and lunch with Eve.
Saturday - Woke up early and printed directions. Our meeting place was between where she lives and my newly wed friends house where I staying that night. I printed directions and left at 10.30, to be there for 12.30. It's only an hour 20 away but those who know me will confirm that I could get lost in my sock drawer. To say I got lost is not strictly accurate. I admit that for much of the time I had no idea where the fuck I was but whenever I neared the point of turning round I'd spot a sign pointing me in the right direction. I got there in 75 minutes. This is surely a good omen! Lunch was great. We chatted, laughed, and smiled all the way through and three hours just flew. She was just as kind, funny, intelligent and pretty as I remembered. We said goodbye, and I drove to my mates. Again I had no idea where I was but I ended up in their village, found a place to stop (outside a church - good landmark!), and called. "You're opposite our road. Come down the hill and it's at the bottom". I am on fire!!! Nothing can go wrong. We had a coffee and went for a drive to their local town (it's actually a city but it's a cool, pretty, small one). We were all shit at crazy golf (I was joint 2nd - out of 3) and had a great time anyway. Our controversial "play it where it lies" rule made for a fascinating spectacle. Dinner was cool. Chicken and ribs, followed by chocolate fudge sundae. Everything was going great. Went back to watch a film and then it all went wrong, although I didn't know it. I sent a text. "Just watching a film, then bed. Hope you enjoyed today as much as I did. Have a great night and see you tomorrow. Sleep well x x ps i am full of sugar again :o)". I had enjoyed today and I was full of sugar. We'd been caning left over pick and mix from the wedding. I went to bed happy, looking forward to the morning.
Sunday - Awake at 6:30 again. Doesn't matter, only 6 hours until seeing Eve. You may have guessed by now that I really like this girl. I know! It was a shock to me too:o) Then, it started to go wrong. I got a text. "Hey r***, can we have a chat?". I may be no expert on these matters, but this not a good sign. I phoned. Basically she'd read my text and was worried that I felt about her differently to how she felt about me. It was at that moment that the great llama of love turned round and went HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!! When I came round I could see that bitch Allie sat in the saddle and laughing. Lunch was set anyway so, despite the sensible part of my brain screaming "this is really going to fuck you up - don't do it!!!", I went. The venue was a small village pub, in the middle of a localized mobile dead zone. I was a bit early (failed to get lost again), so arrived at 12:15. 12:30 came and went and the lady behind the bar was giving me sympathetic looks. I should never have asked for two menu's. Schoolboy error. It got to 13:00 and I decided to leave my previously isolated position at a table for two by the window as the pub was getting full and frankly, I was looking like a bit of a twat. I knew she wouldn't stand me up. She's too cool for that. I just hoped she was ok. I also hoped I was right.
I found an isolated table in the dark as far away from anyone else as possible and decided that if Eve didn't show by 1:30 I was going to order anyway. I may have been stood up but I wasn't missing lunch! I went out for a fag, and then came back in to finalise my decison at half one when she arrived. She'd got lost, run out of petrol and left me voice mails + texts. She was so apologetic I felt guilty. I may be many bad things, but I am a good judge of character. Actually I'm a terrible judge of character as I always see the best in people, but it's nice to be right sometimes. Lunch was really good and she was as lovely as she had been the day before. I just couldn't understand how it had gone wrong. Apparently we just didn't click. It clicked for me, big style. Fuck!!! To be honest, it's bloody easier if someone just thinks you're a twat. All hope is gone, and you'll never see them again. This wonderful girl is so honest that she would like to see me again, as friends, but had to tell me how she felt so she didn't lead me on. Kind and honest people will hurt you the most, because they try to spare you unneccesary pain and won't lie. Shit - I like her even more . I'm not into masochism I swear x. Then we said goodbye. Ouch.
"Therapy?" was probably a bad music choice.... I got horrifically lost on the way home, and ended up on the wrong side of a city I wasn't attempting to go to heading the wrong way down a motorway. Whenever I was in the right place I was in the wrong lane and they seemed to herd me away from the comfort of home and into the purgatory of an un-named hell whole of chav's, twats and roundabouts........... When your luck changes it really doesn't do it in fucking half measures.
Anyway, here's the deal. You give up drinking. You lose the depression and pessimism. You think it's going to be rosy. Maybe I read too much into a kiss from a girl (who'd been drinking) at a wedding. She was great, we got on and she'd kissed me. I really should have isolated the two. Drinking = kiss. Sober = get on really well. The downside is that whilst sober highs are amazing you have nothing to hide behind when it goes wrong. Everything becomes so polarised. Hopefully it'll settle down soon because this is fucking killing me. I just want a fucking break. That's not too much to ask, is it?
Allie's asking if I want to do her tonight, no strings attached. It's really tempting, I'm not going to lie to you. The saving grace is that I know she's a whore, and I'd rather be happy that I met a great girl called Eve, took a chance and it didn't work. Even if I feel like crying tonight. At least I didn't have to work out how to tell her I'm an alcoholic. That's not a saving grace. I wish I'd needed to. Fuck me this hurts.
R***
Oh man, that's harsh. I'm sorry. You're right - it's so, SO much more difficult when there's no animosity there; when it's just 'you're cool, we're friends, but not like that'. You start thinking things like 'but relationships are better when they're founded on friendship - 'we get along awesomely, don't we? Don't we have fun together? Don't I make you smile and laugh and all that good stuff?' And before you know it you've thunked (yes I make words up) yourself silly and you're sitting at the bottom of a deep deep hole and you lost your torch and your rope and nobody knows you're down there all alone.
ReplyDeleteI guess I could say a bunch of trite cliches here and they wouldn't be worth much. So I'll share my experience, and share the friend I take with me when I find myself in those deep dark holes.
My experience with life thus far has been that everything you go through prepares you for what's coming next. You learn things you need to take with you into the next challenge. Somewhere along the line your inventory gets filled up with these dealing-with-shit skills and before you know it you're not learning any more - you've qualified. Shit still happens and you get down but you relate it to stuff that happened before and you know, now, that eventually it'll be okay.
The friend I take with me is Keats. One poem, particularly the last two and a half lines;
When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high-piled books, in charactery,
Hold like rich garners the full ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love;--then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink.
Keats was here, in this dark dark hole. He thought the same things, felt the same pain, and left us a message scribbled on the wall to remind us that we don't suffer alone. :)
It's a good point, and well made so I thank you and Keats for sharing it. Nevertheless it still hurts :o) The choices are; going bulletproof and letting no-one in to avoid any chance of pain, or, just risking it all and sticking your heart out there to hurt just in case that chance it works comes in double 6?
ReplyDeleteEasy choice. I'm human. Give me the dice. It's always worth the shot. I'm owed a bit of the misery I sowed anyway. It's like the sparrow flying through a corridoor and if you get it right it's worth it all. WCPGW?
Everything!!! ;)
ReplyDelete