Stag Night...Pirate Power & Lenny Strikes Again

Hi! It's been a while.You'll hopefully be pleased to know that I survived a potential minefield;

SOBER AT A STAG DO!!!!

I got up at 6:30 Friday morning and work passed fairly uneventfully. Bob, the Stag ("Eric") and I discussed the next day and generally all was good. I left for the weekend, and wandered home. As the evening progressed I got bored and ended up round Lenny's at about 10:30 to play cards.

Bob was on the beer, but Lenny was on squash. This concerned me. Turns out he'd had 5 pints, a few glasses of wine and was now on the smoke to avoid a hangover. Having lost my money (£1) I headed home at midnight with a sense of worry for the next day, and also a sense of frustration that Lenny always seems to hit straights and full houses when he has no right to play. You remember I said I always seemed to win? Not when sober it seems. Maybe I just used to forget the losses.... Got to sleep at 2.30....

I woke up at 6.30 and was pretty excited. Shower. Fag. Coffee. Fag. Food. Fag. Then I decided to adjust my outfit. 10 minutes, a magic needle and a keen sense of style later (ok exagerating) I had a pirate jacket that did up to the neck, and did look pretty cool. Got dressed and got the bus to the station. The journey was fairly uneventful and we were met at the station by Eric's brother. It takes a brave man to stand on a platform on his own, dressed as a pirate and waving a giant skull and crossbones flag. Good skills that man!!!

We went straight to the hostel , dumped our gear and then got on the ship. The Matthew is pretty cool. A replica 16th galleon. We chilled arout the harbour for an hour and got into character. "Aaaarrrggghh!!", was shouted a lot and we waved at passing boats and people on the banks. Cool. As. Fuck. People love pirates. Everyone else hit the beer/cider but hey, if you're going to fail by 11am then the booze really will beat you. I passed.

To cut it short we went to a few pubs (like bars, only full of people - not dicks) pausing on the way so passing families and other strangers could have photo's taken with us (You feel like a celebrity - V Cool) and went for our bowling and pizza in a cool place god know's where. It was right in the middle of the "See No Evil" street festival. Let's examine Eric's likes; Reggae/hip-hop? Check. Dancing? Check. Red Stripe? Check. Street Parties? Check. Being dressed as a pirate? Check. Dancing to reggae/hip-hop at a street party whilst drinking red stripe and dressed as a pirate? The impossible dream. We hung out and danced like the place was ours for 3 hours until it was time to head back to the hostel and change.

Change? Why? This is an extremely valid question. Apparently we were going to a casino that night. I didn't really fancy it if it meant ditching the clobber, and nor did most of the others. As I explained to my new found mates, "This means we can't go as pirates. This is bad. We have spent the last three hours stopping groups of people with the flag and 'tagging them' with eyeliner. Do you honestly think those girls would have let us sign their boobs if we weren't dressed as pirates?". The answer was a resounding "No". Tonight we go out dressed as twats in shirts and trousers. We're not twats, but we may as well be. So dull. No more boob signing for us!!!

You could see most of the group visibly deflate as the costumes came off. We were just normal again. I was trying to form rebel fringe groups but the pressure to conform was too great. Worse still, it was over an hour since some of these guys last had a beer and the come-down was kicking in. We put on our twat uniforms and went to the twat bar next door but one to the hostel, with all the other twats in their twat uniforms. I felt like I'd never sign a boob again. The pre-cab beer kicked in for the guys and now they just looked tired.

We had a fairly decent Thai meal, which lasted longer than a Monday morning with a hangover, then went to the casino. During the meal the guys looked a little beat, and Lenny was falling into his green curry but luckily casino's offer free soft drinks including COFFEE!!! Like 70% of the party I wasn't that keen so I didn't gamble but I did cane 7 coffees in just over three quarters of an hour. The stage was set.

Two bars and two pints of red bull later and I was ready. I'd passed the time by helping a bride-to-be to convince Lenny to remove his boxers in the middle of a bar. He was half way through it when security came over. They took it pretty well. I guess this stuff happens a lot. Lenny was now my sole room-mate as the other two guys had decided to head home after the casino. I took the precaution of ordering a spare room key for him. The dude was live by now and anything could happen. As it turns out my precautions were in vain, but I'll come to this later.

We found a dirty, cheap, sweaty, underground nightclub that was banging out Indie Rock from the 90's and more besides. It looked like a dive. Perfect!!! It occured to me at about this point that I'd been on the stag for 16 hours and not only had I not had a drink, I didn't want one. I admit that coffee and redbull is cheating a bit but I had only had four hours sleep, so give me a break. The rest of the groups drunkeness was becoming a bit more obvious by now and our hero, as always, was leading the way. Staggering, slurring and general acting like a wobbly and confused sexual predator. We'd even had a chat whilst getting changed. "Give the booze a break until after the casino. We'll still be out till dawn so just enjoy it". This was agreed to and heeded right up until the point we got to a bar.......

We danced with the free abandonment of people who are having a great time and don't care if they look like twats to other people. Awesome. Dance on your own, dance in a group, dance with people you've never met before. As long as you're having a blast and no one gets hurt anything goes. It was amazing. If the street party hadn't been so cool this would have been the best bit by a mile. Then, at 3.30am, my phone rang. I didn't know it yet but this would not be the last time I was to have this conversation that morning.

"R***, it's Lenny. I can't get into the Hostel"
"Have you tried your key?"
"What key?"
"The one I paid for so this wouldn't happen.... Look, don't worry about it. The front door isn't locked. Just walk in".
"It won't open"
"Ok, I'll be back about 4:30. Keep trying. Ask a passer by or something".

This was repeated every 20 - 30 minutes until 6am. Obviously when I was back I went looking for him. Not at the front door, not at the back. Where is the dozy git?

Finally I got lucky at 6am. I went outside to look for him and found him. He had been trying to access the twats bar two doors down from our hostel for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. Unbelievable. One was a bar, set back from the road with tables, chairs and a sign saying "cafe bar". The other was a Youth Hostel, that looked like a Youth Hostel. The other clue was fluorescent blue sign that illuminated the street saying "NYA". Muppet. I finally got him to bed, when he'd stopped hugging me, kissing me and telling me he loved me. It was very sweet, but there is a time and a place for that kind of shit and 6.30am when checkout is 10am is not that fucking time. Then he finally stopped talking. The fucker snores like a B52 warming up, and started within seconds of passing out. I tried shaking him, moving his legs, shouting. I even tried kicking him. It got to 8am and I just gave up, showered, dressed and packed. I am not in a good mood.

Throughout the morning the rest of the party surface. I tried waking Lenny at 20 minute intervals from 9.30 onwards (I liked the role reversal) but with no joy. I was all in favour of leaving him. Everyone thought I was being mean but I'd got him in safe. He can sort his own shit out from now on. I've had enough. A few of us went in search of a cafe in full pirate regalia and it seems he got up at quarter to eleven, then showered whilst the rest waited before appearing half an hour later. I didn't get an apology. I doubt he remembers.

The rest of the day was cool. We chilled out at the cricket and had a chat. People started comparing hangovers. I was a bit grumpy leading to the question, "Not drinking today, eh M*****? Feeling a bit delicate? You were pretty crazy last night". When Eric's friends (now my friends too) realised that I hadn't been drinking the day before they were stunned. Not sure if this is a good thing or not. Actually I am sure. Seems I can be completely uninhibited sober too. Cooooooooooooool! I like that. I really don't need that shit.

Finally got to bed just before midnight. 4 hours sleep out of 65. Good god. Work is going to be emotional tomorrow. I was knackered and elated. I'd done it. I'd proved I could do it. I can have a great time and still be last man standing without Allie. Fuck that slut. I don't need her. I've found pirates.