Relationships

So, where did you meet your last partner? Work? Friend of a friend? In a pub? However you met I'm pretty sure your first date was in a pub. They probably thought you seemed so fun, relaxed, interesting. At the start you go out and have fun. Then you have a quiet night in and have a glass of wine. Before they know it you're opening the second bottle, and they've only had a small glass. That was dating me.

I promised to be honest in this blog, but on this subject I'm going to generalise. I'm finding I can talk about the pain I've caused myself fairly easily, but the way I've hurt people who loved me, cared for me and tried to help me is a step too far.

My relationships with the two loves of my life followed a remarkably similar pattern. They were both destroyed by my mistress, Allie Cohol. The first lasted 6 years and ended in a failed marriage. The latest lasted four and a half. In both cases they left because I didn't seem to love them enough to give up Allie. I couldn't break away.

On both occasions we met in bars, although I knew both girls previously. At the start we enjoyed the crazy nights out but they didn't realise the depths of my problem, until it was too late. We'd fallen in love. I'd do anything for them; the latest girl persuaded me to take a year out and go travelling. Not many people are able to source liquor in the Amazon, but if you try hard enough you can achieve anything. Then we relocated from the town in which I'd lived all my life, but Allie came too. Eventually the years of slowly watching me drink myself into oblivion and failing to be the man I could be, the man they loved, took it's toll. The worries of "will he wet the bed" became an understandable strain. They'd keep me away from social occasions as I'd invariably turn up drunk. In the end and despite all the warnings they both left me. We still meet up on occasion and they look at me with sad eyes, as they remember how it could have been. Or maybe I'm misjudging. Maybe it's just pity. Sadness at watching someone you loved destroy themselves.

I am glad to say that both are doing well. My ex-wife is remarrying and my latest ex has found herself a new guy and has been seeing him for about 9 months. He seems really nice. If any of this sounds familiar here's a free tip. Next time you think about opening that second or third bottle, or ordering an extra pint, imagine seeing pictures of your partner holding hands with someone else on facebook - giving them the smile that was once reserved for you. Picture waking up in 5, 10, 20, 50 years time, sad and alone and wishing you could have it all again. Here's the bad news. It's gone. It's fucking gone. That ship has sailed and you were in the pub. Not a great feeling is it? The good news is that now you know that you can make a choice, because believe me you do have a choice.

Everyone is nervous the first time they spend a night together. "Will he like my breasts?". "Did her last boyfriend have a bigger dick than me?". "Will they like me naked?". "Will I be as good in bed as their ex?". If you chuck "Please don't piss the bed, please don't piss the bed" into that mix you can imagine it's pretty hard. Then again, after the first couple of times it just becomes normal for them too.

As you can see, both of my two main relationships followed a similar pattern. Looking back, I do not think this is coincidence. I'm not a stupid man, I just have a weakness for the other woman. So, back to choice again. Do you want your obituary to read "....Married to xxxxx, and father to 2 children", or "died alone, surrounded by whisky bottles"?

I'm hoping for another chance to put it right. Allie doesn't love me. She uses me. Time to ditch the bitch.

Next time; wake up call.