Hi all/both/my madness,
Had the half yearly nurse interview/meeting last week. She was also disappointed. Good start. The good news is that she has a plan. She is lovely and the liver specialist nurse for my part of the world. Bad news. This will sound silly but I HAVE to drink 6 to 8 pints a night. If I don't cut down slowly I'll flip out, and be be dead/hospital. All my bloods came back clean so my abstinence period did some good.
6 to 8 pints a night! I was doing that anyway but her only rule is "no spirits". I have another meeting next week. Hopefully it goes down again. As I've mentioned my issue is that I can't stop. Chucking 8 pints in me and expecting me to stop is a hard ask but so far I'm standing firm. It's odd how hard it is to drink a gallon when commanded to do so. If someone told me not to it would go in two hours.
Ah, the human mind.
It's been emotional x
R
Thursday 28 March 2013
Wednesday 20 March 2013
So, I've done my duty
Hello all,
On Dr's orders I've had five pints today, four to come tomorrow. This is really hard for me. My problem is that I can't stop. If I have five I want ten. And shorts. And shots. I know the medical reasons but it doesn't help. Telling an alcoholic they can't stop yet and giving them that doorway is a nightmare. "You can never drink again as of Monday but until then you have to drink decreasing amounts. I realise this will be hard for you". Luckily sis is over tomorrow with the boys. She saved me last time and she can help me again.
Just got a cold bed to look forward to, then work tomorrow. At least it will be dry in the morning. The dream continues.
It's the fear of failure that hurts most. The feeling that you're going to fuck it all up anyway and can't win so you may as well just go all in now. This isn't pretty.
I'm quite scared and upset at the moment. Hopefully my posts will make more sense in a few days when I start to be free again.
Sleep tight all,
R
On Dr's orders I've had five pints today, four to come tomorrow. This is really hard for me. My problem is that I can't stop. If I have five I want ten. And shorts. And shots. I know the medical reasons but it doesn't help. Telling an alcoholic they can't stop yet and giving them that doorway is a nightmare. "You can never drink again as of Monday but until then you have to drink decreasing amounts. I realise this will be hard for you". Luckily sis is over tomorrow with the boys. She saved me last time and she can help me again.
Just got a cold bed to look forward to, then work tomorrow. At least it will be dry in the morning. The dream continues.
It's the fear of failure that hurts most. The feeling that you're going to fuck it all up anyway and can't win so you may as well just go all in now. This isn't pretty.
I'm quite scared and upset at the moment. Hopefully my posts will make more sense in a few days when I start to be free again.
Sleep tight all,
R
Tuesday 19 March 2013
Oh dear
Oh dear my friends.
I want to quit but am told today that I can't. I have to reduce, take it slow.This is really hard as the emotional part is harder than the physical. Stopping could kill me. Not stopping straight away may prevent me succeeding, and then kill me. Catch 22. I'd rather back Sprinter Sacre.
I understand that I need to take my amazing Dr's advice but you can understand the pain of having to cut from five pints a night to one in five days, followed by the emotional "goodbye beer". I just want rid. This is the slow death. Forced to drink a beer that I don't want..... Shit
Counselling assessment tomorrow. Better than last time please x
I realise this is unread. No matter x. I didn't write for you, but I'm hapy if you've read and understood. It's for me, my friends (Including a Cymru Elf) and family. Hopefully I can be around to piss you all off for a while. See your children grow up. Then I will be happy.
Sorry I let you all down again.
R***
I want to quit but am told today that I can't. I have to reduce, take it slow.This is really hard as the emotional part is harder than the physical. Stopping could kill me. Not stopping straight away may prevent me succeeding, and then kill me. Catch 22. I'd rather back Sprinter Sacre.
I understand that I need to take my amazing Dr's advice but you can understand the pain of having to cut from five pints a night to one in five days, followed by the emotional "goodbye beer". I just want rid. This is the slow death. Forced to drink a beer that I don't want..... Shit
Counselling assessment tomorrow. Better than last time please x
I realise this is unread. No matter x. I didn't write for you, but I'm hapy if you've read and understood. It's for me, my friends (Including a Cymru Elf) and family. Hopefully I can be around to piss you all off for a while. See your children grow up. Then I will be happy.
Sorry I let you all down again.
R***
Monday 18 March 2013
Ok. Nightmare
Hola
Here I am. 24 hours complete. I have a Doctor to see tomorrow. I know I have a huge mess to deal with when this shit kicks in. Not my first rodeo so unfortunately I am well aware of what is coming.
I can't complain but just have to sit back and take my medicine. I deserve it but a week of pain is hard to embrace.
Fingers and toes crossed people x.
Love you all,
R
Here I am. 24 hours complete. I have a Doctor to see tomorrow. I know I have a huge mess to deal with when this shit kicks in. Not my first rodeo so unfortunately I am well aware of what is coming.
I can't complain but just have to sit back and take my medicine. I deserve it but a week of pain is hard to embrace.
Fingers and toes crossed people x.
Love you all,
R
Here we are again.......
Ok, here goes.
Me not writing is a bad sign and I haven't posted in months. It all went wrong before Christmas. I've been trying to stop again for the last month but it all went to shit this weekend. I've fallen down, and fallen hard.
Once again the emptiness of the stark reality of my situation has hit me. I am in severe danger of drinking myself to an early grave and frankly I am fucking terrified. I'm just crying. I can't control this shit and I am in a lot of trouble. I've talked before about my issues and problems dating Ali before but right now it's all fresh and the pain is new again.
I don't want to be this source of worry and pain to people I love. They deserve so much more than this. I'm waiting for a call back from the Dr now. God knows what she'll say.
Don't drink, probably.
Sad times.
Take care,
Rich
Me not writing is a bad sign and I haven't posted in months. It all went wrong before Christmas. I've been trying to stop again for the last month but it all went to shit this weekend. I've fallen down, and fallen hard.
Once again the emptiness of the stark reality of my situation has hit me. I am in severe danger of drinking myself to an early grave and frankly I am fucking terrified. I'm just crying. I can't control this shit and I am in a lot of trouble. I've talked before about my issues and problems dating Ali before but right now it's all fresh and the pain is new again.
I don't want to be this source of worry and pain to people I love. They deserve so much more than this. I'm waiting for a call back from the Dr now. God knows what she'll say.
Don't drink, probably.
Sad times.
Take care,
Rich
Monday 27 August 2012
Lenny
Hi!
In spirit with my attempts to separate good event's from negative I've put this one as an entry of it's own. For most people at the wedding it was a dark and tragic sub-plot that we managed to keep from Eric and Crystal as much as possible. I'm really struggling to keep trying to help the guy. He throws every attempt back in my face and clearly doesn't think I have anything worth saying. He also obviously doesn't give a fuck how I feel because he hurts me everytime I see him.
Let's flash back to the previous post. I picked up Lenny just before 1pm, and he was happy, bright and looking forward to the day. Fingers crossed nothing goes wrong. I should have crossed my toes as well....
To put this into a context let's look at what's happened since March. I'd feel like a hypocrite if I comment on previous actions as I wasn't an angel either. Mind you, even when I was having problems I thought he was a mess.
Three birthday's out in March/April. On the first two he displayed his standard incoherent drunkeness which was complimented beautifully by the predatory moves around nightclubs trying to pull any woman present. This usually involves several laps of the club so he get's two or three attempts at each lady. When people are looking at you with disgust because you're his friend it's not fun. People were leaving the club to get away. He was being pushed aside and told to stay away from groups of girls as he was ruining their night. Essentially a sex pest. He also fell over a few times, and argued with me when I tried to take him home. In the end I just left him in town. I felt bad, but I was new at the not drinking and didn't really need that shit. I gave him an hour but when he started screaming at me after I suggested that going to another club was a bad idea I'd had enough....
He was cancelled for birthday number three...... I'm sure he learnt from this exclusion.
Next time we went out he was smashed again. I've been trying to put my finger on why this is. Does he drink before he comes out? Does he not eat? Maybe he get's extra drinks or sneaks shots at the bar. I know all the tricks from bitter experience. Maybe he just can't hold it and doesn't know his limits. It can't be fun staggering around on your own with that look on your face. This look is hard to describe. It's a bit sad, and confused as well as frustrated and self hating. You can almost hear him saying to himself after yet another failed attempt at social interaction "Well, you fucked that one up again, you idiot. When will you ever get it right?? Why I outta...". I always imagine his inner monologue sounds like a Marx Brothers sketch.
Long story short. Hammered, starting the moves when he meets a middle aged couple at the bar. He's left with them in 20 mins. Apparently the deal is that this guy just like watching people screw his wife. I can't judge what people are into but I'm fairly confident that a sober Lenny would have thought this to be a bad idea.
You heard about the last wedding - drunk, staggering and generally same old, same old, same old.
Stag do the same. Lashed by eight pm, falling asleep in his dinner and then spent two and a half hours trying to get into a pub, not a youth hostel. As you can imagine I was not looking forward to what the night may bring. I hate to say it but it's now a joke. The question isn't "Will Lenny get pissed and do something stupid?". It's now "When will Lenny get pissed and do something stupid?".
This time it took until the end of the speeches. The table was dry of wine and not many people had drunk any. He was staggering by 7.30, and barely coherent. Our mate cut him off from the booze, and stuck him on water. You can still minesweep tables for glasses of wine. An accidental pint of cider ordered was downed in one. He really doesn't help himself at times.I don't want to go into details because it's really embarrassing. Crying, arguing, falling over, inappropriate behavior towards women, denial, vomitting and a couple of scuffles ensued before he was finally spooned into a cab. For once it wasn't just me dealing with it, as everyone took a shift. Finally they realise what's being going on.
Now it looks like he's cancelled from all social engagements for the forseable future. He makes me so angry. He won't listen. He can't see that he may have a problem. Apparently he thinks that just because I'm an alcoholic I need to brand him one too as some kind of cathartic exercise. He won't even get his bloods checked in case he's damaging himself. Now he isn't answering his phone. I've called round his house a few times in the last couple of days. If he's not at work tomorrow I'll have to call him mum. You know had bad it has to be before you call someones mum. Not ideal!
I'm not giving up on him, but I am giving up hope that I'll be able to help him. I found out the hard way. You have to accept there's a problem and you have to help yourself.
Sad times. I hope I didn't hurt people as much as this is hurting me. If I did I'm amazed they still talk to me.
Laters,
R***
In spirit with my attempts to separate good event's from negative I've put this one as an entry of it's own. For most people at the wedding it was a dark and tragic sub-plot that we managed to keep from Eric and Crystal as much as possible. I'm really struggling to keep trying to help the guy. He throws every attempt back in my face and clearly doesn't think I have anything worth saying. He also obviously doesn't give a fuck how I feel because he hurts me everytime I see him.
Let's flash back to the previous post. I picked up Lenny just before 1pm, and he was happy, bright and looking forward to the day. Fingers crossed nothing goes wrong. I should have crossed my toes as well....
To put this into a context let's look at what's happened since March. I'd feel like a hypocrite if I comment on previous actions as I wasn't an angel either. Mind you, even when I was having problems I thought he was a mess.
Three birthday's out in March/April. On the first two he displayed his standard incoherent drunkeness which was complimented beautifully by the predatory moves around nightclubs trying to pull any woman present. This usually involves several laps of the club so he get's two or three attempts at each lady. When people are looking at you with disgust because you're his friend it's not fun. People were leaving the club to get away. He was being pushed aside and told to stay away from groups of girls as he was ruining their night. Essentially a sex pest. He also fell over a few times, and argued with me when I tried to take him home. In the end I just left him in town. I felt bad, but I was new at the not drinking and didn't really need that shit. I gave him an hour but when he started screaming at me after I suggested that going to another club was a bad idea I'd had enough....
He was cancelled for birthday number three...... I'm sure he learnt from this exclusion.
Next time we went out he was smashed again. I've been trying to put my finger on why this is. Does he drink before he comes out? Does he not eat? Maybe he get's extra drinks or sneaks shots at the bar. I know all the tricks from bitter experience. Maybe he just can't hold it and doesn't know his limits. It can't be fun staggering around on your own with that look on your face. This look is hard to describe. It's a bit sad, and confused as well as frustrated and self hating. You can almost hear him saying to himself after yet another failed attempt at social interaction "Well, you fucked that one up again, you idiot. When will you ever get it right?? Why I outta...". I always imagine his inner monologue sounds like a Marx Brothers sketch.
Long story short. Hammered, starting the moves when he meets a middle aged couple at the bar. He's left with them in 20 mins. Apparently the deal is that this guy just like watching people screw his wife. I can't judge what people are into but I'm fairly confident that a sober Lenny would have thought this to be a bad idea.
You heard about the last wedding - drunk, staggering and generally same old, same old, same old.
Stag do the same. Lashed by eight pm, falling asleep in his dinner and then spent two and a half hours trying to get into a pub, not a youth hostel. As you can imagine I was not looking forward to what the night may bring. I hate to say it but it's now a joke. The question isn't "Will Lenny get pissed and do something stupid?". It's now "When will Lenny get pissed and do something stupid?".
This time it took until the end of the speeches. The table was dry of wine and not many people had drunk any. He was staggering by 7.30, and barely coherent. Our mate cut him off from the booze, and stuck him on water. You can still minesweep tables for glasses of wine. An accidental pint of cider ordered was downed in one. He really doesn't help himself at times.I don't want to go into details because it's really embarrassing. Crying, arguing, falling over, inappropriate behavior towards women, denial, vomitting and a couple of scuffles ensued before he was finally spooned into a cab. For once it wasn't just me dealing with it, as everyone took a shift. Finally they realise what's being going on.
Now it looks like he's cancelled from all social engagements for the forseable future. He makes me so angry. He won't listen. He can't see that he may have a problem. Apparently he thinks that just because I'm an alcoholic I need to brand him one too as some kind of cathartic exercise. He won't even get his bloods checked in case he's damaging himself. Now he isn't answering his phone. I've called round his house a few times in the last couple of days. If he's not at work tomorrow I'll have to call him mum. You know had bad it has to be before you call someones mum. Not ideal!
I'm not giving up on him, but I am giving up hope that I'll be able to help him. I found out the hard way. You have to accept there's a problem and you have to help yourself.
Sad times. I hope I didn't hurt people as much as this is hurting me. If I did I'm amazed they still talk to me.
Laters,
R***
Nice day for a Wet Wedding
Hi all,
As I've mentioned previously, this weekend my friends Eric and Crystal got married. It's been a nervous couple of months. Sitting next to Eric at work I have had hourly updates on the difficulties of obtaining trailer fridges, bunting and the inherent problems associated with organising a wedding yourselves. Then in the last week BBC weather has been checked constantly with an increasing sense of foreboding. Saturday - intermittent dull weather interspersed with pissing rain by the trough. I was surprised to see that on the BBC but at least they are honest.
A few of us were camping over and the tents were set up by Bob and Snr Boudoir on Friday as I couldn't get time off work (we work in a small team and Eric was on holiday - selfish git!) so when the big day came all was good. Up early, shaved, and started to get ready. Once again I was driving so I went to get Lenny en route to the church. He was looking smart, happy (sober) and he was really looking forward to the day, as was I. It took a while to drive the 3 miles to his place as even with the wipers on full, visability was about 20 metres. Not ideal.
The rain broke as we got to the church and we did the usual hanging around bit until it was time to go in, and then we took our seats. I'd seen a lot of my baby sisters friends outside, which is always a bit strange. If she hadn't moved abroad she would probably been invited too. Odd. Then again, if she hadn't emigrated I wouldn't get cheap holidays, so you win some lose some (only joking sis).
Eric was looking excited, as you can imagine. Then the moment came and his bride entered the church, flanked by the bridesmaids and 836 flower girls. I guess when you ask one you kind of have to ask all. She looked stunning, and so pleased to be there. There were no nerves from either of them - this was just the way it was meant to be. Beautiful. Eric's gran is a priest so she conducted the service, which was also cool. She's around 80 so had complete license to improvise/make things up and this made it even more personal. Apparently she confessed in the rehersal "you know, I haven't done one of these for a while". It was really moving and intimate. Not many people have their gran encouraging them to join bodies in the bliss of sexual union, but sometimes you have to roll with these things.
You could hear the rain outside during the service but it stopped again in time for the photo's and trip to the reception. It was on a working farm in the country so it was quite special. The aroma was definitely a feature. Luckily I've smoked for decades so have no sense of smell. The rain recommenced once everyone had arrived but in some ways this helped bring everyone together. No one could wander off so everyone was thrown together in an open sided barn and people just started chatting. It was really friendly and at least we all had something to talk about. The ice was broken and then we went in for the meal.
It was a great buffet; king prawns, salmon, roast beef, gammon, cheese, amazing salads, chutneys, pies and probably loads more I've forgotten........ The family had all pitched in under the direction of a cousin (chef) and it all worked beautifully. To be honest I was started to fall asleep when the speeches started. I had the classic "eaten to much at a wedding, and feel a bit sicky" problem. Everyone else was caning the wine and then the champagne arrived. I don't know if it's cheating but I had a sip after each speech. It feels like I should do. I don't even like champagne.....
Eric and his brother gave brilliant speeches. They were personal, moving and uplifting, whilst sensitive too. The moment I was dreading was the absent friends part. Eric's father passed away some years ago and my eyes were watering as we got near that point. He came through it with a lot of class. It was obvious he was struggling and I hope he sensed everyone willing him on. He just stopped and said, "Well, enough about that. Let's move on". He's a brave man, and I'm proud to know him. He's also married a legend of a girl. I hope they'll be very happy.
The evening carried on and the band started. Fuelled by happiness and red bull we all hit the dancefloor until the early hours. It's always good to throw some shapes, although I thought his gran wasn't putting her all into it. Not wishing to criticise, but someone needed to say it.
All in all it was a great evening. Dancing, laughing and chatting. It was cool to be introduced to the wives of the guys who went on the stag. "M*****? I've heard all about you!!" The accompanying smile and subsequent conversations revealed that they'd heard we'd had a great time, and that I wasn't a nob. This may not sound much to you but it's a big step up from a year ago for me.
Great day. Great people. So glad to have been invited.
Good luck guys, but I don't think you'll need it.
Laters,
R***
As I've mentioned previously, this weekend my friends Eric and Crystal got married. It's been a nervous couple of months. Sitting next to Eric at work I have had hourly updates on the difficulties of obtaining trailer fridges, bunting and the inherent problems associated with organising a wedding yourselves. Then in the last week BBC weather has been checked constantly with an increasing sense of foreboding. Saturday - intermittent dull weather interspersed with pissing rain by the trough. I was surprised to see that on the BBC but at least they are honest.
A few of us were camping over and the tents were set up by Bob and Snr Boudoir on Friday as I couldn't get time off work (we work in a small team and Eric was on holiday - selfish git!) so when the big day came all was good. Up early, shaved, and started to get ready. Once again I was driving so I went to get Lenny en route to the church. He was looking smart, happy (sober) and he was really looking forward to the day, as was I. It took a while to drive the 3 miles to his place as even with the wipers on full, visability was about 20 metres. Not ideal.
The rain broke as we got to the church and we did the usual hanging around bit until it was time to go in, and then we took our seats. I'd seen a lot of my baby sisters friends outside, which is always a bit strange. If she hadn't moved abroad she would probably been invited too. Odd. Then again, if she hadn't emigrated I wouldn't get cheap holidays, so you win some lose some (only joking sis).
Eric was looking excited, as you can imagine. Then the moment came and his bride entered the church, flanked by the bridesmaids and 836 flower girls. I guess when you ask one you kind of have to ask all. She looked stunning, and so pleased to be there. There were no nerves from either of them - this was just the way it was meant to be. Beautiful. Eric's gran is a priest so she conducted the service, which was also cool. She's around 80 so had complete license to improvise/make things up and this made it even more personal. Apparently she confessed in the rehersal "you know, I haven't done one of these for a while". It was really moving and intimate. Not many people have their gran encouraging them to join bodies in the bliss of sexual union, but sometimes you have to roll with these things.
You could hear the rain outside during the service but it stopped again in time for the photo's and trip to the reception. It was on a working farm in the country so it was quite special. The aroma was definitely a feature. Luckily I've smoked for decades so have no sense of smell. The rain recommenced once everyone had arrived but in some ways this helped bring everyone together. No one could wander off so everyone was thrown together in an open sided barn and people just started chatting. It was really friendly and at least we all had something to talk about. The ice was broken and then we went in for the meal.
It was a great buffet; king prawns, salmon, roast beef, gammon, cheese, amazing salads, chutneys, pies and probably loads more I've forgotten........ The family had all pitched in under the direction of a cousin (chef) and it all worked beautifully. To be honest I was started to fall asleep when the speeches started. I had the classic "eaten to much at a wedding, and feel a bit sicky" problem. Everyone else was caning the wine and then the champagne arrived. I don't know if it's cheating but I had a sip after each speech. It feels like I should do. I don't even like champagne.....
Eric and his brother gave brilliant speeches. They were personal, moving and uplifting, whilst sensitive too. The moment I was dreading was the absent friends part. Eric's father passed away some years ago and my eyes were watering as we got near that point. He came through it with a lot of class. It was obvious he was struggling and I hope he sensed everyone willing him on. He just stopped and said, "Well, enough about that. Let's move on". He's a brave man, and I'm proud to know him. He's also married a legend of a girl. I hope they'll be very happy.
The evening carried on and the band started. Fuelled by happiness and red bull we all hit the dancefloor until the early hours. It's always good to throw some shapes, although I thought his gran wasn't putting her all into it. Not wishing to criticise, but someone needed to say it.
All in all it was a great evening. Dancing, laughing and chatting. It was cool to be introduced to the wives of the guys who went on the stag. "M*****? I've heard all about you!!" The accompanying smile and subsequent conversations revealed that they'd heard we'd had a great time, and that I wasn't a nob. This may not sound much to you but it's a big step up from a year ago for me.
Great day. Great people. So glad to have been invited.
Good luck guys, but I don't think you'll need it.
Laters,
R***
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