Hi all/both/my madness,
Had the half yearly nurse interview/meeting last week. She was also disappointed. Good start. The good news is that she has a plan. She is lovely and the liver specialist nurse for my part of the world. Bad news. This will sound silly but I HAVE to drink 6 to 8 pints a night. If I don't cut down slowly I'll flip out, and be be dead/hospital. All my bloods came back clean so my abstinence period did some good.
6 to 8 pints a night! I was doing that anyway but her only rule is "no spirits". I have another meeting next week. Hopefully it goes down again. As I've mentioned my issue is that I can't stop. Chucking 8 pints in me and expecting me to stop is a hard ask but so far I'm standing firm. It's odd how hard it is to drink a gallon when commanded to do so. If someone told me not to it would go in two hours.
Ah, the human mind.
It's been emotional x
R
Thursday 28 March 2013
Wednesday 20 March 2013
So, I've done my duty
Hello all,
On Dr's orders I've had five pints today, four to come tomorrow. This is really hard for me. My problem is that I can't stop. If I have five I want ten. And shorts. And shots. I know the medical reasons but it doesn't help. Telling an alcoholic they can't stop yet and giving them that doorway is a nightmare. "You can never drink again as of Monday but until then you have to drink decreasing amounts. I realise this will be hard for you". Luckily sis is over tomorrow with the boys. She saved me last time and she can help me again.
Just got a cold bed to look forward to, then work tomorrow. At least it will be dry in the morning. The dream continues.
It's the fear of failure that hurts most. The feeling that you're going to fuck it all up anyway and can't win so you may as well just go all in now. This isn't pretty.
I'm quite scared and upset at the moment. Hopefully my posts will make more sense in a few days when I start to be free again.
Sleep tight all,
R
On Dr's orders I've had five pints today, four to come tomorrow. This is really hard for me. My problem is that I can't stop. If I have five I want ten. And shorts. And shots. I know the medical reasons but it doesn't help. Telling an alcoholic they can't stop yet and giving them that doorway is a nightmare. "You can never drink again as of Monday but until then you have to drink decreasing amounts. I realise this will be hard for you". Luckily sis is over tomorrow with the boys. She saved me last time and she can help me again.
Just got a cold bed to look forward to, then work tomorrow. At least it will be dry in the morning. The dream continues.
It's the fear of failure that hurts most. The feeling that you're going to fuck it all up anyway and can't win so you may as well just go all in now. This isn't pretty.
I'm quite scared and upset at the moment. Hopefully my posts will make more sense in a few days when I start to be free again.
Sleep tight all,
R
Tuesday 19 March 2013
Oh dear
Oh dear my friends.
I want to quit but am told today that I can't. I have to reduce, take it slow.This is really hard as the emotional part is harder than the physical. Stopping could kill me. Not stopping straight away may prevent me succeeding, and then kill me. Catch 22. I'd rather back Sprinter Sacre.
I understand that I need to take my amazing Dr's advice but you can understand the pain of having to cut from five pints a night to one in five days, followed by the emotional "goodbye beer". I just want rid. This is the slow death. Forced to drink a beer that I don't want..... Shit
Counselling assessment tomorrow. Better than last time please x
I realise this is unread. No matter x. I didn't write for you, but I'm hapy if you've read and understood. It's for me, my friends (Including a Cymru Elf) and family. Hopefully I can be around to piss you all off for a while. See your children grow up. Then I will be happy.
Sorry I let you all down again.
R***
I want to quit but am told today that I can't. I have to reduce, take it slow.This is really hard as the emotional part is harder than the physical. Stopping could kill me. Not stopping straight away may prevent me succeeding, and then kill me. Catch 22. I'd rather back Sprinter Sacre.
I understand that I need to take my amazing Dr's advice but you can understand the pain of having to cut from five pints a night to one in five days, followed by the emotional "goodbye beer". I just want rid. This is the slow death. Forced to drink a beer that I don't want..... Shit
Counselling assessment tomorrow. Better than last time please x
I realise this is unread. No matter x. I didn't write for you, but I'm hapy if you've read and understood. It's for me, my friends (Including a Cymru Elf) and family. Hopefully I can be around to piss you all off for a while. See your children grow up. Then I will be happy.
Sorry I let you all down again.
R***
Monday 18 March 2013
Ok. Nightmare
Hola
Here I am. 24 hours complete. I have a Doctor to see tomorrow. I know I have a huge mess to deal with when this shit kicks in. Not my first rodeo so unfortunately I am well aware of what is coming.
I can't complain but just have to sit back and take my medicine. I deserve it but a week of pain is hard to embrace.
Fingers and toes crossed people x.
Love you all,
R
Here I am. 24 hours complete. I have a Doctor to see tomorrow. I know I have a huge mess to deal with when this shit kicks in. Not my first rodeo so unfortunately I am well aware of what is coming.
I can't complain but just have to sit back and take my medicine. I deserve it but a week of pain is hard to embrace.
Fingers and toes crossed people x.
Love you all,
R
Here we are again.......
Ok, here goes.
Me not writing is a bad sign and I haven't posted in months. It all went wrong before Christmas. I've been trying to stop again for the last month but it all went to shit this weekend. I've fallen down, and fallen hard.
Once again the emptiness of the stark reality of my situation has hit me. I am in severe danger of drinking myself to an early grave and frankly I am fucking terrified. I'm just crying. I can't control this shit and I am in a lot of trouble. I've talked before about my issues and problems dating Ali before but right now it's all fresh and the pain is new again.
I don't want to be this source of worry and pain to people I love. They deserve so much more than this. I'm waiting for a call back from the Dr now. God knows what she'll say.
Don't drink, probably.
Sad times.
Take care,
Rich
Me not writing is a bad sign and I haven't posted in months. It all went wrong before Christmas. I've been trying to stop again for the last month but it all went to shit this weekend. I've fallen down, and fallen hard.
Once again the emptiness of the stark reality of my situation has hit me. I am in severe danger of drinking myself to an early grave and frankly I am fucking terrified. I'm just crying. I can't control this shit and I am in a lot of trouble. I've talked before about my issues and problems dating Ali before but right now it's all fresh and the pain is new again.
I don't want to be this source of worry and pain to people I love. They deserve so much more than this. I'm waiting for a call back from the Dr now. God knows what she'll say.
Don't drink, probably.
Sad times.
Take care,
Rich
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